Caring for Birth Partners Experiencing Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders

I walk into the home of one of my postpartum clients. Their baby is 10 days old, Mom is struggling with the lack of sleep, and baby is not gaining weight to the pediatrician’s satisfaction. I can feel a heavy, dense stress when I enter the home. Mom is red faced and working on getting her baby to latch, and Dad is sitting on their recliner. I smile, set my bag down and wash my hands. Mom decides to try feeding in the nursery to see if that will settle baby, and I have a moment alone with Dad. “How are you doing?” I ask Dad. “We’re doing okay, Mom is pretty stressed about baby’s weight. The doctor is having her triple-feed, which is tough.” I nod along, showing a sympathetic smile before responding: “That sounds like a lot for Mom. But how about you? How are you doing?” Dad looks stunned. We sit there in silence for a moment, and then his eyes well up with tears. “I don’t know...” he says, “I haven’t thought about me. I’m just worried about Mom and the baby and... It’s just a lot. It’s been a lot.”

We spent the rest of Mom’s nursing session chatting through the thoughts and feelings that Dad was having. It quickly became apparent to me that he was struggling with intense feelings of sadness and anxiety. And while Mom certainly needed my support, so did he. Everyone who had come into their home (family, friends, lactation consultants, midwives, community members) was coming to check on Mom and baby. There was this unrealized assumption from everyone that came through their door that Dad was fine. Who was checking in on him? Who was making sure that he wasn’t having scary, harmful thoughts? This was the moment that changed how I approach postpartum doula work, especially in regards to PMADs (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders). I now operate from a family-focused place, rather than solely a mother/birth parent focus. And the best part of this switch? It didn’t just improve outcomes for birth partners, but for birth parents, too. When a birth partner is adequately supported, nourished, and cared for, they are better able to care for their recovering partner. When this father felt validated in his grief and supported through parenthood, he showed up for his child and his child’s mother from a place of genuine care, love, and strength.

Providing doula care for a birth partner does not look the same as it does for a birth parent. Each of them have different hormonal, physical, and emotional needs during the postpartum window. A lot of the postpartum support that I offer for birth parents involves education and accommodation for the extreme shifts that they are experiencing with their hormones, physical appearance and confidence, and their vaginal or cesarean healing. A birth partner doesn’t have these symptoms, so their care is tailored uniquely to the challenges that they are experiencing. The biggest hurdle that I hear birth partners talk about is an immense pressure to be a stoic figure in the family who their partner can lean on. They feel guilt around any feelings of fear, distress, or hopelessness, and they often invalidate their need for their own help and support. One of the ways that I begin to work with birth partners is to provide a space to speak freely and without judgment. I make it clear at the beginning of my work with a family that I offer whole family care, which includes individual care for all members of the family. I emphasize how important it is that both parents feel that they can and will receive validation, care, and support from me for their separate and shared needs. This provides a sense of normalcy around both parents needing to receive my care. It also makes it less surprising when I randomly check in on a birth partner, such as shooting them a text like this: Good morning! I’d love to check in with you during my shift this afternoon to see how you’re doing. If you don’t have time today, let’s get something scheduled next week--even just a phone call.

Another tool that I like to implement with birth partners is creating a routine that they can do each day with their baby. It can be short and simple, and I suggest they choose something which they do daily already and just incorporate their baby into it. For example, one dad that I worked with was feeling disconnected from his baby and this was a big contributor to his depression. He felt like there wasn’t anything that was sacred or special for him to do with his baby alone. I asked him to describe his typical morning, and he mentioned that he makes pour over coffee every day. I, too, make pour over each morning so I know it takes about 10 minutes from start to finish. After bonding over our shared specificity for our morning brews, I asked if that routine could be something he could do with his daughter. At first he was confused. “You mean make coffee with her? But she’s only a month old,” he told me. I explained that she benefits from being close to him no matter what he’s doing, and that this could be a ritual between them that goes on for months or even years. I saw his expression brighten at the thought of having this special time with his baby, just the two of them. Nearly a year later, they still make coffee every day together.

When we think of a well supported family, we should be thinking about more than a mother and baby. We should think of everyone in the home: Mothers, fathers, partners, babies, older children, grandparents, etc. Every family has a core group of people who are in or around the home which shape the energy, attitude, and function of the postpartum window. When parts of this group are neglected, the entire family suffers, and the postpartum experience is weakened. As doulas, birthworkers, postpartum care providers, and friends and family of those who are or are about to be postpartum, we owe it to our clients, family, and friends to acknowledge every part and person that makes up their postpartum life. When everyone and everything is held with equal care, postpartum becomes a time of rejuvenation and transformation, where each individual is supported in their transformation into life with a new member of the family.

Article compliments of

environment that supports and prioritizes the mental and emotional wellbeing of parents and caregivers. Whether that be through support with birth plans, newborn sleep, lactation & bottle feeding, or to provide resources and education for questions and concerns that families may have. Chloe has experience working with families with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, and has completed college courses in Social Work which helped shape her trauma informed approach with her clients. Chloe is also a member of the Ithaca Doula Collective and the Doula Access Initiative in Ithaca, and provides services to low income families through this organization.

@‌steppingstonedoula

https://steppingstonedoula.com/

Book an appointment with Christine HERE!Link for our free class is HERE!